This is probably the strangest emotional experience I have had in a long time, and to share it with you in a blog seems pretty crazy. Yet, I am going to write this anyway.
History: After a divorce and several serious long-term relationships later, I have not been blessed with the right circumstances to have my own children. I’ve worked on making peace with this in my own psychotherapy over the years. I’ve come to terms with my own choices about this. Meaning, for me, I did not want to have children without a partner to help care for them. I had decided not to adopt (yet) or foster (yet) or freeze my eggs, nor go through fertility treatments.
Fast forward to last week: I went to see my OBGYN last week for a regular check-up, and mentioned that I have not had a period for a few months. We did some tests and she said (and this is a quote), “Your ‘lady parts’ look healthy and great – just like we want them to be. You’re still pretty young to be menopausal, but I’ll draw some blood work and see what your hormone levels tell us.”
To which I replied, “Awesome. I am banking on my mother’s good genetics and hoping this is the start of a smooth menopause. In fact, no one ever told me that being single and not having any children at my age would feel so peaceful, fulfilling and amazing. I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life.”
I shared with my doctor about how the focus on my career over the last several years has been enormously rewarding, and as a young adult. I could not have predicted this is where I would be in my 40s OR that it would feel so incredibly good.
We high-fived and laughed.
YOU, reading this, thinks: “Stop. Hold up. Really?”
ME: “Yes, really!”
That said, here comes the wacky — Imagining my inner Sophia (Golden Girls) saying, “Picture it:” Los Angeles, May 22, 2019. 2:30pm:
I’m sitting in my FANTASTIC home office typing up my client notes from private practice last night. Keyboard and desktop are on the gorgeous black desk I built myself.
My famous home-made turkey chili recipe is simmering on the stove and the aroma is pleasantly filling the home.
Earlier, I finished a call with my mom finalizing some details for our trip to Eastern Canada in July for a 200+ cousin/aunt/uncle family reunion.
A little Buddha holding my business cards, stress-relief spray, candles and stones are to my left. I am playing some energizing, peaceful music.
The phone rings.
It’s my OBGYN’s office. Phone tag with them is a chess game that I usually lose. So, instead of ignoring the call, I answer…
“Lab results are in,” the nurse says. “You are totally healthy, and all is great,” she explains, and “Your lab results indicate hormone levels in line with pre-menopause. So, if you don’t get a period for the next 6 months, you are in menopause. And, if you have any irregular spotting, call us.”
Within split seconds, (SERIOUSLY… faster than the FLASH can travel through space!!!) the following things happened and thoughts race through my brain all before I could even get off the phone…
TEARS – YES, TEARS start to well up in my throat. “What is THIS reaction?!?!” I think.
Thoughts race through my head:
- “I thought you were loving life like this?!?!?!”
- “You are NEVER going to experience giving birth to your own child!?!?!”
- “You are over the hill!”
- “Your youth is gone!”
… and it gets worse!
- “You have lost your value to society!”
- “You are no longer a woman.”
- “What happened to all those gurus predicting that you would have it all?!?! Family and career!?!?! FRAUDS!!!”
- “NOW what is your value??? Who is going to want you, old lady.”
- “You are alone! Who is going to look out for you today or when you are older???”
Choke. Gulp. Choke.
I strain my voice to say to the nurse, “ok.” After all, I don’t know the nurse giving me these results and I am not ABOUT to start blubbering this nonsense when I do not even understand it myself.
I choke back my tears, politely and successfully thank her and get off the phone.
Then, I tell myself, “It’s ok baby. Cry. It’s ok to cry and be sad. I am here with you.”
(I have learned my good parent self-soothing techniques well, and regularly practice speaking to myself in tough moments like a loving, supportive parent. I love affirmation work and have one up on my computer laptop “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better. Ignite”)
Tears start flowing.
The thoughts keep spinning.
My eyes sting.
My glasses get splashed from all the tears.
I can’t see now.
Then… I hear my inner wisdom fighting back the against my inner critic and judgement.
The wise voice reminds me of my own value despite what even today’s society might secretly believe is the biggest value of a woman – youth and the ability to give birth.
I am baffled by my own reactions.
I could NEVER have predicted this sadness, this fear, these tears, these thoughts, or any of these reactions. They flowed through my body in the course of 3-5 minutes at intense speed.
I thought, “Now what do I do?”
I move into self-help, self-care-healing mode, and here’s what that looked like:
- Do I write about this in my journal? No. I am too shaky and emotional right now. But if I was less shaky, normally this is a go-to tool!
- I realize I need social support! I need to talk this out loud. But I think to myself, “DANG! Therapy is not until Saturday!?!?!? I can process more on Saturday with my therapist, but I need to get it together and do some more work today.”
- “Should I search the internet to find out if someone has written about this grief reaction? I wonder if Oprah went through this during her menopause. I don’t follow her enough to know. Now, I wish I did. But, my brain is too emotional to search google.”
- “Who can I call? My 2 best friends are younger than me, do not have children yet, but they might be able to help right my brain.” I reach out and call them both. No answers. I leave no message.
- I start thinking of several friends who are older than me who do not have children, but they would all be working and likely not available. And, one is super happy about never having children. So, that doesn’t seem to fit. All my other friends who have already gone through menopause have children. That doesn’t seem like a fit.
- “Oh! How about my friend Kari, who I have worked with for over 12 years!?!!? She works part time and might be free. Even though she has children, she is an LCSW, and even in the middle of a crisis, she knows how meet you right where you are and apply a calming loving spirit.”
I text Kari. “Do you have 15 minutes to talk? I am having a strange grief spurt.”
Kari calls! She says, “This is so weird. I was just thinking of you at this exact moment and wondering how you are.”
Women’s intuition is wild, isn’t it!?!?!
A few minutes later, we are laughing, crying, loving, sharing about her mom who died earlier this year.
Her daughter hops in the car from school pick-up. “Hi Kara!!!” (I love her and her whole family).
Kari continues on to tell me how grateful she is to me for showing up for her family when her mom was sick last year.
(Backstory: Kari needed coverage at an event in 2018, and I covered for her so that she could spend time holding her mom’s hand when her mom was still lucid. Then, this February when her mom died, I drove up north to be at the ceremony. I ended up reading a piece at the memorial from her mom’s college best friend, Sharon, who could not be there. Sharon wrote about Kintsukuroi or “golden repair”. It’s this centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Beautiful seams of gold glint in the cracks of ceramic ware, giving a unique appearance to the piece. These bowls are made more valuable by the cracks filled with gold. In the memorial reading, Sharon said her heart was like one of these Japanese bowls for having known and loved Kari’s mom.)
Kari shared that her sister bought them both a Kintsukuroi broken heart pendant after the memorial in honor of Sharon’s message and to remember their mom.
(See pictured example from Esty shop and click to search.)
On our call, I share about the song by Peter Mayer regarding Kintsukuroi, and the video on YouTube. I was a guest attendee at IWG- the International Work Group on Death, Dying, and Bereavement (https://www.iwgddb.com) in November 2016, Dunblane, Scotland. IWG is an international think-tan-like group. Our work group presentation on self-care and used this video to share about the importance of self-care for caregivers who work with death, dying and bereavement. (Shout out to those of you who were in my IWG group!)
Kari and I continue to laugh, share, and reminisce as I work my way through feelings and back to my rational brain. This is social self-care at it’s finest–Building relationships that heal layers upon layers.
I find the Kintsukuroi Peter Mayer video as I write this up and listen to it on repeat.
I think the cracks in my own heart have made me more valuable to my friends, to my family, and to my clients.
For those of you in the healing professions, I think clients can sense a great depth of empathy when you sit and witness their pain without judgement. Encourage them as you watch them fill the cracks in their heart through the healing power of psychotherapy.
I sit down and write this. And as I reach this point in the story just now, I received a random text from my mom, “We are so proud of you!!!!”
Oh boy, women’s intuition, again?!?! <3
As final notes:
- To all of you who are mothers, to all of you who are men and operate like both mother and father, to all of you who are mothers to step-children, adopted children, or to foster children, to all of you who mother friends and family but without having give birth yourself, I send lots of love and gratitude. I hope you found something meaningful in reading this.
- And to all of you women who have experienced a grief spurt when you found out the news that you (may or did) hit menopause (with or without having children before that), I’d love to hear from you about your experience and how you coped.
- If you live or can get to Palos Verdes, California on June 6th, Salt Lake City, Utah on June 21st, or Phoenix, Arizona on August 18th, please join me for one or all of these workshops which are based on the topics of self-care, burnout prevention, compassion fatigue, and living a purpose driven life. Email me at Michelle@PostInternationalinc.com for information.