Spring is here, and if you are like me, it may be time to clean out that literal closet and free up the energy connected to items that may be both physically and emotionally weighing you down.
While Marie Kondo’s books, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and Sparking Joy have lead to her Netflix series “Tidying Up”, research on de-cluttering has found that clutter impacts well-being and feelings of security, safety and fostering a sense of psychological “home”. (Roster, C., 2016)
But what does this have to do with healing from relationship loss?
I’ll explain. If you’ve noticed that you have not heard from me in a while, I’m sorry. A little more than a year ago, I left my corporate/non-profit role to launch out on my own… full-time, psychotherapy private practice and life/business coaching, teaching, and consulting. And it has been BUSY! That’s a good thing, right? Yes, but “busy” gets in the way of writing and blogging. (Sorry again!)
Busy gets in the way of spring and fall cleaning.
Busy also gets in the way of longer-term projects (like finishing my books, finding new self-care retreat locations, etc.).
I expected “busy” to also get in the way of romance, dati
ng, and relationships. However, in the last year plus, “busy” did not get in the way of love (at least in my case).
In fact, the job I just left in 2019 introduced me to my love over 13 years ago (as friends), then leaving that same job led to the freedom of travel and involvement in my national board position with www.AATB.org, which lead me to travel to DC, then to Toronto, each trip leading me to meet up with my friend and my now loving partner. Yes, busy led to love! How wild is that? I’ll save this for another blog post.
I’m in the process of downsizing to prepare for some future HUGE moves and changes. De-cluttering is my first step. Using the Konmari method, that means I start with clothing and shoes. The method has you gather all the clothing and shoes (and purses) from around your house, pile them on the bed, then hold each item to see if it “sparks joy”. If it does, you keep it. If it does not, you thank it, and give it away. What you may not be prepared for is:
Clothing sparks memories. It reminds of you of times you wore it, fun you had in it, and who you were with.
Therefore, clothing can spark grief. Having it around can emotionally weigh you down. That said, if the clothing is connected to a loved one who died, you might want to re-purpose it (into a quilt or keepsake) or keep it for a while. That is totally OK. But if clothing sparks grief over relationships that have died through break-up, separation, or divorce, maybe it’s time to let that go to free yourself to more fully live and love again?
Either way, the process is challenging and you may not be as ready to part with items as you thought you were. Here’s where the 5 tips come in:
Tip 1: Schedule a friend to come over and help you downsize. Having a trusted friend or family member come over to help give you a reality check on that ratty concert t-shirt that you cannot fit into anymore can really help you decide if it’s a memento or an albatross. My friend, Christina, has been a tremendous help to me. When I was exhausted, she just lined up all my shoes and showed them to me one pair at a time until I was down to just the essential joyful sparks, 95% of which I can still strut in if I want.
Tip 2: Ask yourself, if I had to pay someone to pack this up and move it across the country, is it worth it? Avoiding having something sitting in your closet for another 3 years may not be enough incentive. If you ask yourself if you would pay someone to pack and ship it, and the answer is “yes”, it might be worth keeping. Again, I have some big decisions to make about where I will be living and working in the next year. Moving is expensive. The thought of moving too many “memory-only” items spoke to my practical side and helped me downsize even more.
Tip 3: Ask yourself, if I saw this item in its exact, current condition, how much would I spend to buy it again? If the answer is less than 50% of what you think you bought it for, it may be time to get rid of it. While I need some clothes just for work even if they do not spark the MOST joy, do I really see myself wearing something for which I would not even pay $5-$20 bucks in a thrift store?
Tip 4: Take a moment and think about when you last wore or used the item. If you last wore it more than a year ago, it’s likely time to let it go. Many of the items I got rid of were “If I just lose 10-15lbs this would be great”. Really? If I noticed I said that during my last fall/spring cleaning, it was going in the give-a-way pile today.
Tip 5: When you hold the item, does it spark joy or grief? If the item sparks a heavy, sad, or anxious feeling, likely it may be connected to a a negative memory or experience. And, it’s probably a benefit to your emotional energy to let it go. For me, several items I picked up reminding me of past relationships that I had not lost due to death (I’m more sentimental about these items). Rather, they were connected to a person from my past. And letting go of the item, in it’s own way, allowed me to let go of another layer of grief over that lost relationship. It was difficult. I felt exhausted afterward. And it was healing. I found in the days after the purge of stuff, I felt lighter and more hopeful.
For more guidance and tips on healing from relationship loss due to break-up, separation, or divorce, stay tuned for the release of book “Healing Your Heart” to be released soon.