Do you ever feel like “Acceptance” is overrated? – Sort of? 😊
Lately, I have been both inspired and frustrated with the massive messaging about “being” and “acceptance of what is”. Don’t get me wrong. There is power in acceptance. We can be very over critical of ourselves and others, or over focused on “doing”, growing, change, etc.
To me, the secret sauce is in the balance between acceptance and change.
Meaning, sometimes self-care is about accepting what is and being present. It’s about accepting the walls or barriers or finding the door through the wall to the next place. Other times, self-care is about taking a sledge hammer or a crane to wall and knocking it the heck down.
Seriously, there is a reason why the famous Serenity Prayer is memorized by all twelve-steppers as a powerful tool for sobriety, change and growth: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference”. I even have a coffee mug and a charm with the prayer. The power is in the balance of acceptance, action and wisdom.
For example, secretly I’ve always wanted to be a rock star. You know, like the history-making Joan Jett who in the 70s pathed the way for future female rockers. I dream of making “I don’t give a damn about my reputation” my theme song– sort of. Meaning, the freedom of not trying to people please gets easier and easier the older I get! 😊
The closest I have gotten to rock-stardom is a good karaoke night with friends where I poorly but passionately belt out the songs “I love Rock ‘n Roll” or “Welcome to the Jungle”!
Being a rock star takes time, talent, practice, dedication, and connections. Is it possible for me? Well, the world is full of possibilities and life can be long. But, given the amount of time I dedicate to singing, music, practice, etcetera, is it probable? No.
Does that mean I could change it if I wanted? Yes.
Here’s another example. I am 5’5” and often wish I had the long, gorgeous legs of a 5’9” women. After all, pants would fit me better, and I would not have to hem them. I am too tall for petite and too short for regular length pants. I could get some strange surgery or go through traction therapy to lengthen my legs or torso, I guess. But that seems like a lot of pain and money for something I am not that interested in changing. Besides, with all my travel, the economy-row seats and my compact car is actually perfect for my 5’5” body!
Plus in Taiwan I am basically a giant. Acceptance.
- What are the things in your life that you are self-critical of or unwise about in terms of pressure to change?
- Is acceptance the wiser choice in those cases?
But there are other things that, instead, need the courage to change and the wisdom to know how important change is.
There are walls that need a sledge hammer or crane to break down and get out of the way:
Think of all the things that change-makers have caused? Simple things like improvements in transportation, communication, or better awareness of the need for equality or erasing the stigma around mental health. Heck, without change, we might all still think the earth is flat and we’d fall off if we sailed too far east.
My friend Luz and I were once talking about this issue of acceptance verses change. She said she was studying acceptance and pushed against a wall in the restaurant where we were sitting. She said “I can deny this wall over and over and make myself crazy, or I can accept the wall is here, and if needed, maybe find a way around it.” I said to her “Luz, if needed, you could hire a contractor, rent a huge wrecking ball and just knock the wall down.”
Welcome to my logic. Ha! We laughed.
Kidding aside, the wisdom to know when it’s time for change is invaluable. In life, timing can be everything:
- When do you buy or sell a house?
- When do you move?
- When do you retire or change jobs?
- When do you get married? Have children? Divorce?
- When do you decide to date again after the last relationship ended?
- When do you buckle down and work, and when do you take a vacation?
- When do you hire a coach, get a therapist, or go on a retreat?
If I merely accepted my “shyness” and what was more accurately a petrifying fear of public speaking, I would never have overcome that fear and helped myself learn how to be a teacher and public speaker. But, I did everything – hypnosis, therapy, study, class, and tons of practice. In fact, I am still learning now to improvement my speaking and teaching skills.
If I was so worried about the security and health insurance benefits of being an employee, I would have never left my job and launched out on my own, taking charge of my life, my schedule, and my to-do list. But, I did everything – I read books particularly on entrepreneurship, I worked with a mentor, I saved nine months of salary, and I did my best to leave my former company in a good place when I left.
Get the picture? Without wisdom, I would not have faced my fear and dealt with change.
And there are more things I am trying to figure out how to accept verses take a sledge hammer to them and change them. In fact, all this change has stirred up a ton of fears and brought on some unhealthy, old coping skills that I am currently in the process of correcting. After all, I have been a part-time or full-time employee since I was 15.5 years old. That’s all the way through undergraduate and graduate school.
This kind of change is massive. It takes a lot of preparation and even more adjustment during and after the change. Yet, I am proud of myself and very happy about the change. It’s exciting and inspiring (in between the moments of complete panic). Haha. 😊
So… Are you feeling that? Are there things you want to change in subtle or massive ways? Is that small still voice inside you saying YES!??
If so, here are 8 steps to help you decide about change:
- Make a list of the changes you wish for, your dreams.
- Weigh the pros and cons of change now verses later verses never (wisdom).
- Talk to others who have made similar changes and ask for their learning lessons.
- Do your research on the changes you wish and make a plan.
- Seek a therapist or coach, read a book or take a class, and experiment with change.
- Seek someone who has what you want and ask them to mentor you toward your change.
- If you decide to make a massive change, don’t burn bridges. Handle the change ethically and compassionately towards yourself and those around you who may be affected. After all, at the end of your life, you will find yourself looking back at what you did and what you did not do.
- Talk to you friends and family but be cautious of granting too much weight to anyone who does not have what you want in life.
I heard someone say that the largest collection of unmet dreams and unwritten books is in a cemetery. I find myself visiting cemeteries and reflecting on my ancestors whenever I am about to make major changes or when I am coping with changes I have made. I think about when I am about to face my own death will I have regrets about what I did not try? I certainly hope not.
I hope these thoughts help you. If you need more support, feel free to reach out. I’d love to work with you in person or remotely on your goals. Furthermore, if you’re a caregiver, healer, healthcare or mental health professional, and if it’s time to push the pause button and take care of YOU – fully, deeply, and unabashedly – to change your life from “ho-hum” to “fierce and fiery”, join me for 3 drool-worthy, magnetic, delicious days in heavenly Sedona, Arizona to soothe your soul and #IgniteYourLife!
Get more information about the Sedona Retreat here.